From the moment our children are born, we have undeniable positional authority over them. We’re bigger than them. We’re stronger than them. We’re smarter than them. And most importantly, our children are entirely dependent on us physically and emotionally. The problem is that this positional authority that we so enjoy, diminishes proportionally as our children grow up. If positional authority is all you’ve got, then eventually you’ll end up filing for influence-level bankruptcy at some point down the road. In my humble 33 years of living on this planet I have made some conclusions about what I like to call:

Relational Authority vs. Positional Authority

1.    A person in the position of authority should only use his position for leverage as a worst case scenario, last resort. The person in a position of authority should treat those under his authority with a heart that reflects a posture of desperate reliance on relational authority as his only hope to influence others, and ultimately bring about the desirable corporate outcome.

2.   The person under authority should never disregard positional authority, but yield in humility with honor and respect. If I’m the person under authority I should never take relational authority for granted, but regard positional authority as God-given. And with an attitude of respect and honor expect positional authority, and consider any relational authority I get is a bonus; a blessing and undeserved favor.

Jesus speaks to both ends of the deal.

“Will any one of you who has a servant plowing or keeping sheep say to him when he has come in from the field, ‘Come at once and recline at table’? Will he not rather say to him, ‘Prepare supper for me, and dress properly, and serve me while I eat and drink, and afterward you will eat and drink’? Does he thank the servant because he did what was commanded? So you also, when you have done all that you were commanded, say, ‘We are unworthy servants; we have only done what was our duty.’”  Luke 17:7-10 “You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones exercise authority over them. It shall not be so among you. But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be your slave, even as the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”  Matthew 20:25-28

3. Positional authority is cheap.

You basically get it for free because it is given to you.

4. Relational authority is costly. It takes tears, pain, sacrifice and time to cultivate. But it’s also the kind of authority that produces the colorful moments we’ll want in the pictures on our wall. I first heard this principle from the legendary pastor/counselor/psychologist Rick Bowser. Sadly, I can’t quote him exactly, but nevertheless he deserves credit for this next thought.  You can get his book about relationships and inner healing on Amazon. It’s called the The Fox in the Chicken Coop.
.

5. Invest before it’s too late. Unless you invest and build up relational authority as your child grows up, you’re level of influence on them when they get older will be minimal, if not absent altogether. We all know too well how as we become teenagers and beyond, pulling the positional authority card on us just doesn’t do the trick like it used to.

Be wise. Save up for your retirement from positional authority.

Then, when it is no longer of any influential value, you can start making withdrawals on the years of relational authority you invested in. This is when the tears, sweat and pain pays off. When even though your child doesn’t agree with you, she listens to your advice. Not because you’re her boss. But because of the trust and friendship you’ve built. Because you’ve proven time and time again that you, as the one in a position of authority, truly try as best you can to act in her best interest.